“FOR US?” CONTROLLING THE CONTROLLABLES

Pause to allow emotion to pass…Think about what you want to say and the outcomes you wish to see…respond in a manner that reflects your best self. “In times of crisis, anger is a poor counselor.” I had to work diligently to exercise the “Pause, Think, Respond”, technique, which I have shared previously, very recently…. I learned this technique decades ago while earning my instructor certification thought the Total Army Instructor Course, when I was faced with a situation that tested my patience and my temper.   The basics of this technique are listed here.

1.    Pause.

     a.   What has been asked?

     b.   How can I quell emotions that may have arisen?

     c.     “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”-Steven Covey

2.    Think

     a.    What outcome to I wish to achieve?

     b.    Will what I say serve in achieving this?

     c.     Will what I say damage the relationship?

3.    Respond

     a.    With even tone. (I read an article where the actor Idris Elba heard his father say, “Don’t’ raise your voice, strengthen your argument.”

     b.    If you are unable to respond with decency, kindness, and respect, then just respond by stating that you will follow up with the person within a day or so. This allows you to get your emotions and thoughts in order thus allowing you to respond in a manner best representing yourself and preserving the relationship.



As I was washing my car a few days ago, a young kid (Caucasian) probably about 21 years old approached me about doing some roof work (inspections) on my home. I engaged with a young man for a moment sharing that I was mildly upset with our HOA, as it has its arbitrary enforcement of yard standards and landscape. I shared with the young man that soliciting was prohibited by the HOA to which his response was that he wasn't selling anything merely offering roof inspections (He works for his dad, and they also live in the neighborhood) of course I had to clarify with a young man knocking on the door and offering services by definition, is soliciting. At any rate we continue to engage in discussion about what he was doing, and I conveyed to him that I appreciated what he was trying to do and that I was also a small business owner, so I completely understand that the hustle is real. There is a small statue sitting on my front stoop of a soldier saluting which I purchased a few years back during Veteran’s Day.  I was a soldier for 25 years, retiring as a Sergeant Major in the United States Army. As we were speaking, I pointed to the statue and shared with him that I was A Soldier once and so I can understand the value of “walking a post” and working to make things happen.

He said, "So you served?" 

To which I responded, "Yes, I served for 25 years." 

He then cocked his head back in mild confusion and asked, "For us?"

 I stood for a moment, shocked and with anger rising trying to digest what this young man had just said when he said, "for us?" I was trying to understand why he would ask such a ridiculous question. Typically, when people ask about your service they'll ask questions like, “What branch? or "Were you enlisted?", "Were you an officer?" What countries have you seen? "What did you do?" After I paused, and thought, I responded…

"Who's us?"

He says, "The United States."

 I said, "I was a U.S. Army Soldier."…as I fought back the rage, disgust, and disdain that was welling within me. I wish I had just ended the conversation and went on about my business but, trying to be the consummate professional that I aspire to be, I paused, thought, and responded.  I continued, calmly, I must add, to engage the young man and dialogue about sports talk and other items of that nature because the young man had said that he had run track and field in college to which I responded that my daughters were college athletes and had done exceptionally well. I also communicated to him how much I loved serving and how much I truly enjoyed leading, coaching, training, developing, and mentoring our nation’s sons and daughters while I served.

The conversation ended rather politely, but as I had time to digest this event, I became more and more enraged. What does it say about someone when they see a brown face and ask the question about your service in the form of not what branch, but what country? I don't understand… I fail to understand what prompted him to ask such a ridiculous question of me. It should also be noted that I have two U.S. flags prominently displayed in my garage on two sides of the garage (My garage was open at the time of the discussion, and we were mere meters from it as we spoke) with my U.S. Army license plates that I had taken off my old truck prominently displayed on either side of one of the flags. My license plate says, “Disabled Veteran US Armed Forces” and “Legion of Merit Medal” above this with the emblem of the award prominently displayed on the left side of the Texas license plate.  I thought for a moment during the remainder of our conversation, “Should I chastise the young man for his lack of observational skills, or should I be appalled at what I perceived to be outright racism prejudice and utter disrespect?”  It should also be noted that the lion’s share of this neighborhood is either Asian or white. I…, I am a Mexican- American. I am a brown man……but it shouldn’t matter…It doesn’t matter… I have served with people of color not just in the Army but throughout my post 12-year military career. I am disgusted appalled and angry that this young man would ask me the question, “For us?” It is a travesty this young man was representing his father's roofing company and I can tell you with absolute certainty that I would not hire this roofing company if I had a hole in my roof the size of a swimming pool and it was raining meteors on my head. I would rather, quickly throw up a tarp and an umbrella and cower under the bed, than hire this company…. I think I'll pass on the free roofing inspection (Which is why he stopped over in the first place) …. So, when you find yourself in a tough situation, “Pause, Think, Respond.” We can’t control others’ thoughts, behaviors, and ignorance…but…we can control our actions and reactions.

“For us"? I WOULD SAY…"FOR ALL... MY FAMILY, MY NAME, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN ARMS…. FOR MY NATION…FOR ALL!!!” …AS IN, "With Liberty and Justice for all…"